Easter Bunny Prepares for White House Egg Hunt by Donning Bulletproof Vest, Making Peace With His God

WASHINGTON, DC — Bracing for what security officials labeled “the most high-risk Easter since the Passion of the Christ,” the White House Easter Bunny was seen Saturday morning donning a bulletproof vest, taking out a $3 million life insurance policy, and making peace with his God ahead of the annual South Lawn Egg Hunt.

Following multiple assassination attempts near Trump events earlier this year, where Trump claimed they “shot like Democrats,” organizers reportedly struggled to find anyone willing to don the Easter Bunny suit. In the end, Kyle D’Amico, a 24-year-old political science major at the University of Delaware, was drafted after volunteering for what he thought was light administrative work.

“I thought I’d be handing out clipboards,” Kyle said, adjusting the Kevlar plates strapped beneath his synthetic fur. “Instead, I spent last night buying a life insurance policy, calling my estranged father to make amends, and Venmoing my roommate $50 to feed my cat in case I didn't make it.”

Kyle spent what he very well thought might be his final night on Earth on his dorm room floor in tearful prayer, confessing a litany of petty sins including stealing soda refills from Panera Bread, plagiarizing a sociology paper in sophomore year, and once telling a girl at a frat party that he "owned a boat" when he very much did not.

Kyle’s entire family watched anxiously from behind a gated security perimeter, his mother clutching a rosary so tightly her palms bled, while his girlfriend Jenna silently wept into a "Go Kyle!" sign she had made hastily in the White House parking lot.

Secret Service agents stationed nearby had been ordered to "prioritize optics" over "basic preservation of life," according to internal memos. Meanwhile, Eric Trump, unsupervised, was spotted aggressively pulling brightly colored eggs from toddlers’ baskets, stuffing them into his cargo shorts, and high-fiving himself after each successful snatch.

At one point, Eric was seen slipping a roll of Chuck E. Cheese tokens to a Secret Service agent in exchange for “three more minutes alone with the golden egg,” a bribe the agent accepted after what onlookers described as “a brief but intense internal struggle.”

Despite a nationwide egg shortage, the White House insisted on using real eggs for the event, reportedly at Donald Trump’s insistence.

"Plastic eggs are for losers. Sad!" Trump told reporters. "We’re doing it the right way — real American eggs, folks. And next year, maybe we look for women's eggs instead. Birth rate’s collapsing. Disaster!"

Midway through the event, a loud popping sound — later confirmed to be a rogue Nerf dart fired by a sugar-crazed six-year-old — sent the South Lawn into complete chaos.

Without hesitation, Donald Trump seized the Easter Bunny by the shoulders and yanked him in front of his body as a human shield, leaving Melania fully exposed and blinking in mild confusion. Kyle, thrown off balance in his foam-padded feet, stumbled backward onto a banquet table covered in deviled eggs.

Eric Trump, meanwhile, shrieked “THIS IS IT!” and attempted to commandeer a golf cart to "evacuate the Golden Egg," only to immediately crash it into the lemonade stand.

Secret Service agents scrambled in all directions, mistakenly tackling the father of the six-year-old shooter after he reached for a juice box too aggressively, while terrified children screamed and scattered across the lawn.

Witnesses say Kyle the Easter Bunny, still reeking of sweat, confetti, and egg yolk, appeared to enter a state of shock, frozen amidst the wreckage with his paws trembling uncontrollably. Medical personnel rushed to the scene moments later.

The last thing families saw was Kyle being gently loaded onto a stretcher by paramedics, the limp, battered bunny costume flopping helplessly over the sides. Behind him, sobbing children clutched their Easter baskets, which somehow felt lighter than they remembered.

As the ambulance pulled away, Eric Trump ran up to Donald gleefully shouting, “Look, Dad, I got more eggs than Donald Jr.!” — despite the fact that Donald Jr. had not even participated. After lazily telling Eric where to find the juice boxes, Trump confirmed to reporters that next year’s Easter Bunny would be replaced with an AI hologram "to minimize casualties."