Musk Offers Supporters $47 For Petition Signatures, $50k to End Zuckerberg’s Marriage
SOMEWHERE LONELY, CA — In today’s top story, billionaire Elon Musk’s newly launched America PAC has announced it will pay supporters $47 for every registered voter they convince to sign a petition supporting both the First and Second Amendments. Why $47? “Because freedom shouldn’t cost more than a mid-range Uber ride,” Musk tweeted, before immediately laying off half the PAC’s staff via meme.
But petitions are just the beginning.
According to insiders, Musk is now offering $5 for every Twitter “like,” $10 if they retweet with the caption “Elon is my best friend,” and a staggering $200 to anyone who uninstalls Facebook and sends a screenshot for verification. “Bonus $50 if you call it MidBook in the comments,” Musk clarified.
Yet the Tesla CEO’s crusade has taken an even more unhinged turn. In a twist of personal vendetta, Musk has pledged $50,000 to anyone who can break up Mark Zuckerberg’s marriage, stemming from a minor argument at TechCrunch Disrupt over Web3 integration in the Metaverse. “He disrespected my PowerPoint transitions,” Musk said. “Now I’m disrespecting his nuptials.”
Musk reportedly released a 40-step plan called “Operation X-Wife,” which includes tactics such as:
"Accidentally" inviting Priscilla Chan to a yacht party hosted by Grimes and three sentient Roombas.
Leaking fake texts from Zuck to Jeff Bezos reading, “She was just a phase.”
Creating a deepfake of Zuckerberg saying he believes Signal is a better app than Facebook Messenger.
“If you follow the plan correctly,” Musk posted, “Mark will never see another boob in real life. We’re talking a lifetime of VR headsets, AI companions named ‘Candi.exe,’ and Web3 foot pics. He may be a coding genius, but let’s see him debug this marriage.”
In a show of physical bravado, Musk has also confirmed plans to fight Zuckerberg in the Colosseum, and is reportedly comping airfare for any supporter who agrees to wear a t-shirt that reads “I Dated Priscilla First” or “Jesse Eisenberg Was Better.” The post-fight itinerary includes a literal dick-measuring contest, which Musk has agreed to officiate himself, “for transparency.”
Shockingly, Musk is still single. The billionaire is now offering $100,000 to anyone who agrees to hold him gently while he cries.
One desperate Stanford graduate student took him up on the offer and later posted on TikTok:
“He made us roll around naked in a bed of Dogecoin. I got third-degree burns from the overheated servers. The man mines crypto in bed. For him, foreplay is explaining blockchain scalability. And climax? That’s just a live demo of the Tesla Cybertruck’s tailgate.”
When reached for comment, Musk whispered, “Love is just an algorithm I haven’t cracked yet.” He then offered the reporter $17 and a Neuralink prototype to never publish the interview.