Budget Cuts Reduce EPA to Single Petco in Phoenix, Bearded Dragon Now Oversees Nuclear Fallout
PHOENIX, A.Z. — In a sweeping new round of federal budget cuts, officials announced Monday that the Environmental Protection Agency has been permanently relocated to a single Petco location in suburban Phoenix, Arizona.
"Effective immediately, all environmental regulation, pollution control, and hazardous waste management will be handled out of the Petco on East Camelback Road, next to the Jamba Juice," said outgoing EPA Acting Director Rick McManus, whose final assignment before termination was delivering a box of EPA manuals, several dying succulents, and a used Brita filter to store manager Rico Hernandez, a junior at Central High School. “We’re confident the mission will continue with minimal disruption” McManus added, holding back tears as he loaded the last EPA laptop — missing several keys — onto a shelf next to the flea collars.
As part of the handoff, McManus spent 45 minutes attempting to explain the intricacies of toxic waste site remediation and ozone layer monitoring to Hernandez, who was doodling zombies on a shipping invoice. Following the transfer, McManus was formally escorted off Petco property by a mall security guard and given a $5 Petco gift card for his 35 years of dedicated civil service.
According to newly updated agency documents, the Petco will house all of the EPA’s essential divisions, including Air and Radiation (next to the parakeet section), Superfund Site Management (behind the ferret adoption center), and the Office of Environmental Justice (currently sharing a folding table with a discounted Halloween costume display).
Given cart blanche to launch new environmental initiatives funded by donations from the checkout counter, Hernandez quickly announced his first project: a weekly sea otter petting zoo in the Petco parking lot. Sources confirmed the initiative was inspired after Hernandez noticed that Madison, a girl from his third-period chemistry class, had a sea otter sticker on her binder and thought this could be the perfect pretext to hang out with her.
Before he could finalize a proposal to the Monterey Bay Fur Trappers Association, Hernandez faced his first environmental crisis when the emergency line rang, reporting a catastrophic nuclear waste spill in central Springfield, Illinois.
Unfortunately, Hernandez was addressing another operational priority, so delegated the task to a bearded lizard named Gandalf while he processed a returrn. The return reportedly involved a customer seeking a refund for a half-eaten box of Meow Mix cat treats, citing that her cat, Mittens, had "developed a more sophisticated palate" and would no longer consume "commercial-grade slop."
As Hernandez processed the refund — store credit only — the nuclear waste continued to spread unchecked through downtown Springfield. Authorities later confirmed that approximately 1,700 people died from radiation poisoning, though, fortunately, most were children whose greenhouse gas-emitting years were still largely ahead of them.