Shanwei Zoo Vows All Animals Are Real As Reporter Wonders How Many Bears Train At Juilliard

SHANWEI, CHINA — Sent to cover what editors promised would be a "light human-interest piece," The Onion's field correspondent Oliver Bates reported Monday that the animals at Shanwei Zoo are "definitely real" — if you define "real" broadly enough to include chain-smoking kangaroos, bipedal snakes, and bears with surprisingly strong tap-dancing instincts.

Upon arrival, Bates was greeted warmly by the lone tour guide, Zookeeper Zhang Wei, who promised a once-in-a-lifetime glimpse of nature’s rarest wonders. Bates, who speaks conversational Mandarin, noted that Zhang's warm smile was immediately undercut by a quick, anxious glance toward the security cameras above the entrance.

The first stop was "Grizzly Grove," where a towering "bear" stood upright, waved enthusiastically, and launched into a surprisingly technical tap routine from Billy Elliot before bowing with a flourish. When Bates raised an eyebrow, Zhang explained matter-of-factly, "Bears are naturally social creatures. Many enjoy dancing." Moments later, the park's crackling loudspeakers blared a message in Mandarin that Bates loosely translated as, "The white person isn't buying it. I expected more from a Juilliard graduate."

Suppressing his concern, Bates followed Zhang to "Slithering Paradise," where a snake lay unnaturally stiff inside a glass enclosure. After a heavy sigh, the "snake" stood upright, dusted off its costume, and trudged bipedally to the opposite corner. Zhang chalked this up to "an advanced form of slithering unique to Chinese biodiversity," before barking into a walkie-talkie, "Snake 3, crawl properly or you're fired."

According to Bates, the "snake" audibly cursed in Mandarin before collapsing into a resentful, half-hearted wiggle.

The illusion deteriorated further at "Down Under Kangaroo Haven," where a "kangaroo" lounged lazily against a fake eucalyptus tree, pulled a crumpled pack of Zhongnanhai cigarettes from its pouch, lit one with obvious experience, and took a long, bitter drag.

When Bates pointed out the behavior, Zhang explained briskly that, "In captivity, kangaroos often adopt human habits for enrichment." Before Bates could press further, the loudspeaker crackled again: "Kangaroo 7, extinguish the cigarette immediately or you will be put down."

Seeking to verify the zoo’s commitment to authenticity, Zhang next led Bates into a dark, musty screening room, where a grainy video of famed primatologist Jane Goodall was played. Reading stiffly from cue cards, Goodall assured viewers, "All animals at Shanwei Zoo are fully real and ethically treated." She paused, glanced nervously off-camera, and appeared to mouth the words "Help me" just before the video cut to black.

Despite these reassurances, the situation unraveled completely at the "Panda Zone," where Bates observed a red panda and a giant panda awkwardly attempting what could charitably be described as mating. After Bates pointed out that such behavior was highly improbable, Zhang smiled broadly and proclaimed, "Love is love! China is known for our progressive attitudes toward sex."

The final blow came at the "Monkey Kingdom" exhibit, where several "monkeys" were spotted attempting to escape their cages. As one scaled the fence, zoo officials fired a tranquilizer dart, dropping the costumed escapee mid-shout. Moments later, the intercom solemnly announced, "The monkey has died of natural causes. Please exit through the gift shop."