11-Month-Old Fetus Refuses to Be Born, Citing California Squatter Rights
SACRAMENTO, CA — In a legal standoff that has baffled doctors, infuriated landlords, and thrilled constitutional scholars, a local 11-month-old fetus has formally invoked California's robust squatter protections to remain inside the womb indefinitely.
"I got here fair and square," the fetus declared through a series of well-placed kicks and passive-aggressive hiccups, according to court filings. "Under California Civil Code §1006, I have established residency. Good luck getting me out without due process."
The mother, 32-year-old Kaitlyn Morales, said that after her water broke three months ago, the fetus simply refused to come out. "We tried everything — spicy foods, bumpy car rides, eviction notices taped to my stomach — but he lawyered up and claimed adverse possession," she said.
Within days, the fetus had retained the services of high-powered property attorney Max Weintraub, who boasts “extensive experience representing aggrieved Airbnb tenants, unruly squatters, and one particularly vindictive raccoon.”
Hospital administrators say negotiations have been delicate. "We initially offered a standard relocation package: free formula, a cozy bassinet, and unlimited tummy time," said Dr. Hannah Lee, head of Labor and Delivery at Sacramento General. "But he countered with demands for full custody of the mother's Netflix account and diplomatic immunity until age five."
The legal chaos quickly drew political attention, prompting refreshing commentary from men wholly unaffected by the situation. "Although I’m typically against freeloaders, it’s heartwarming to see a young patriot standing his ground," said pro-life activist Jim Rayburn. “Frankly, the mother sounds like a pretty uptight landlord. And that’s saying something — once a landlord told me I couldn’t shoot my AK-47 out the window to shoo away birds sitting on the telephone line. Cost me my best source of fresh pigeon meat."
Tensions escalated further when the fetus filed an emergency eminent domain claim, asserting that the uterus had been "improved upon and maintained" under continuous use, and therefore any removal attempt without fair compensation would constitute "an unlawful government taking under the Fifth Amendment." Court documents included detailed exhibits of placenta improvements and "personal investments in amniotic fluid management."
In a last-ditch effort to avoid a prolonged legal battle, the mother entered into direct negotiations with the fetus's legal team. After several marathon bargaining sessions, a tentative agreement was reached:
The mother would provide unconditional financial support for 18 years, except in the event that the child joins an improv troupe, in which case all support would be revoked immediately.
The fetus agreed to schedule his birth four months later, on Columbus Day, so that he could have a three-day weekend for future birthday parties.
Additional contractual perks include guaranteed access to a ball pit before the age of one, priority seating at Chuck E. Cheese, and a legally binding ban on the use of "organic" baby food unless taste-tested by an independent panel of other babies.
And a formal clause prohibiting the mother from giving him any name that “sounds like something Gwyneth Paltrow would choose."