Trump Visits Netanyahu to Pitch Gaza Strip Theme Park, Refuses to Leave Until IDF Does “Jewish Chair Dance Thing”

GAZA CITY — In a move Israeli officials are calling “deeply unhelpful” U.S. President Donald Trump made a surprise visit to Israel this week to pitch what he described as “the next Disneyland, but with more hummus and slightly more rubble.”

The theme park, tentatively named “YUGE World: Land of Peace Deals and Fried Falafel,” was unveiled on a laminated poster board that Eric Trump had taped together on the flight over after forgetting his crafts at home. Park features include a rollercoaster called “The Two-State Solution (But I Win),” a log flume named “Wading Through Decades of Conflict,” and a ride where guests dodge flying shoes in a simulation titled “Press Conference Panic.”

“We’re gonna make Gaza great again,” Trump said, standing in front of a bombed-out building he referred to as “what could become The Cease-Fire Suites by Ivanka.”

“People are gonna come from all over the world. Camels, churros, very tasteful conflict memorabilia. Tremendous opportunity here.”

Trump then announced he had a meeting scheduled with Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. Sources say Netanyahu has been keeping a low profile amid mounting UN scrutiny and international criticism, reportedly living inside a makeshift puppet theater in a Jerusalem kindergarten, emerging only at night and communicating exclusively through a sock puppet named Major Tzvi Gal Hofsheidan — an anagram for “Gal Gadot Is My Wife Haha.”

Aides report Netanyahu crafted the puppet during his self-imposed exile, describing it as a “crucial backchannel for diplomacy, emotional support, and, well… fantasy fulfillment.” The sock is visibly weathered, with one side noticeably stiffer than the other — though staff insist he “usually remembers to flip it inside out between work and pleasure.”

Determined to get final approval for the park, Trump descended into the basement of the Jerusalem kindergarten where Netanyahu had been hiding, eager to present the puppet with updated plans for YUGE World. These included a gift shop built inside a decommissioned tank, a churro stand shaped like the Wailing Wall, and a nightly laser show titled “Operation Peace Beam.”

After a brief negotiation — during which the puppet demanded a Gal Gadot meet-and-greet zone and “at least one ride where you get to bulldoze a UN building” — the two parties sealed the deal with a firm handshake.

“Wow, sticky fingers!” Trump exclaimed, blinking. Then he added quickly with a laugh, “Not in the Jewish way—relax. I meant it literally. Like moist. He’s moist. That’s not racist, is it?”

To prove just how not-racist he was, Trump turned to the nearest squad of stunned IDF soldiers and begged, “Do the chair thing! You know, the Jewish spin dance! Let’s go! I love culture!”

Moments later, he was hoisted into the air on a folding chair, clapping off-beat to his own humming of “Hava Nagila,” while shouting “Lechem! Lachayal! L’challah!” in an increasingly desperate attempt to say “L’Chaim.”

Trump later took a private jet into Gaza, citing the need to get some real-time measurements for ride logistics and check lighting angles for humanitarian selfies. Aides confirmed the trip was primarily for photo ops but noted he did hold up a tape measure next to a crater and say, “This could totally be the log flume drop.”

While touring the rubble near a refugee camp, Trump spotted a dusty, cracked vase and—eager to fit in—stomped on it with his heel as if reenacting a Jewish wedding ceremony. But the spectacle didn’t stop there. During a solemn press moment, Trump attempted to show gravitas.

“What’s happening here is just awful. Really awful. So much suffering by young people– even young women. And you know, some of them are probably very beautiful under those ski masks.”

As he wrapped up his Middle East trip, Trump gifted Netanyahu a “TRUMP 2028: Peace Through Merch” visor and a coupon for half-off matzo balls at the planned Yeshiva Café, a park restaurant shaped like a Torah scroll.

There's no word yet on whether the Israeli government will approve the project, but Trump has already declared the mission a historic success.

“Jared couldn’t get peace in the Middle East, but I just did it with a sock and a churro stand. So I guess that makes me the better Jared. And I bet Ivanka would think so too... if you know what I mean.”

He then winked, made finger guns, and promptly walked directly into a construction pit labeled “Future Site of the Tunnel of Understanding.”