#KidneyForTikTok: Teens Sell Organs in Last-Ditch Effort to Save App

Los Angeles, CA — With TikTok banned for a full 24 hours, concerned teenagers nationwide have launched an urgent grassroots effort to save the app, turning to time-honored traditions like bake sales, GoFundMe pages, fun runs, and black-market organ sales.

Early reports indicate the temporary ban has already had catastrophic side effects, with teen self-esteem levels rising 367%, reaching heights unseen since the Dove Natural Beauty Campaign of 2005.

At a TikTok-themed bake sale organized by 13-year-old Samantha Nelson, teens aggressively pushed "Viral Brownies" and "#SaveTikTok" cupcakes onto reluctant customers, raising a reported $17. Witnesses said fundraising efforts escalated after Nelson brandished a firearm at a local reporter who declined to buy raisin cookies, prompting the man to plead that he had a family — a comment Nelson reportedly interpreted as grounds to quadruple his order.

Other communities mounted even more ambitious efforts. Students at Our Lady of Perpetual Scrolling Catholic High School hosted a TikTok Save-a-Thon Fun Run, requiring participants to stop every ten minutes and perform the WAP dance to continue.

Organizers acknowledged a minor scheduling conflict with an Alzheimer’s fundraiser walk, as several elderly participants were seen wandering through clouds of watermelon-flavored vapor produced by the event’s hydration-and-vape station.

Meanwhile, students at Uppity Heights Prep School hosted a charity auction, offering items such as glitter-glue friendship bracelets, half-finished crochet projects, and a hot pink duct tape wallet handmade during recess. The auction opened bidding on the wallet at $50 million and concluded with former New York mayor Mike Bloomberg purchasing the item, reportedly declaring, "Those kids were idiots. I would’ve gone to sixty."

Despite raising $50,000,052, efforts still fell billions short of an acquisition offer ByteDance might actually consider. Efforts to save the app were further boosted when social media influencer Addison Rae posted a video urging fans to take action, performing an emotional Crip Walk to DJ Khaled’s dubstep remix of  Elton John’s “Candle in the Wind.”

In response, desperate teens turned to the black market to sell non-essential body parts, with the hashtag #KidneyForTikTok trending by mid-afternoon.

“It started small — hair, plasma, an appendix,” said Jenna Kaufman, 17, who successfully sold her appendix for $6,000. “I was originally gonna donate the money to pediatric cancer, but then TikTok needed it more, and honestly, I’m too old to get childhood cancer anyway.”

Kaufman also recalled the heroic sacrifice of her friend Bethany, who tragically sold both her kidneys to raise money for TikTok, unaware that at least one is needed to survive.

“Bethany was a real one," Kaufman said, wiping away a tear. "Girl could do a hell of a floss.”

A candlelight vigil will be held at Sammy’s Vape Shop and Patisserie, where friends and family plan to honor Bethany’s memory by vaping aggressively and performing synchronized TikTok dances in her honor.