‘Wicked’ Becomes Top-Grossing Movie; Evangelicals Condemn Its Central Theme of Interracial Friendship
BRANSON, MO — In a devastating blow to traditional values, Wicked has officially become the highest-grossing movie of all time, prompting outrage from Christian conservatives who accuse the film of promoting "interracial alliances" and "reckless female friendship without male oversight."
"This is how civilizations fall," said Pastor Rick Jennings of Brighter Path Church of Latter-Day Saints, sipping a Slurpee outside a local AMC. "First it’s a white woman befriending a green woman. Next thing you know, they’re voicing their opinions to a government official."
During the film’s opening weekend, evangelical groups organized by Jennings staged demonstrations outside multiplexes nationwide, chanting slogans such as “Gravity Is God’s Law!” and “Keep Oz Pure!” while waving homemade signs reading “Brooms Are for Housewives” and “Gravity: Keep Women Down.”
Protesters repeatedly cited Elphaba’s unnatural skin color as proof of the movie’s deviance. "Green is not a natural skin tone," said local protester Carl Rudolph, months after voting for an orange man for president. Pressed about his other gripes with the film, Rudolph added, "We don't need close female relationships on the big screen. That kind of thing belongs where God intended it — on my laptop at work when things are slow."
Several protesters wore hazmat suits to "protect their souls" from what Jennings called "airborne spiritual contagion" released during Defying Gravity. Jennings also organized mass "pray-ins" during showings of Wicked, instructing congregants to loudly recite the Lord’s Prayer during the song Sentimental Man. Many participants later expressed confusion about why they were told to disrupt what they described as "the worst song in the show," to which Jennings reportedly offered only a shrug. Several congregants were further puzzled by the requirement to remain in the theater for the entire 2.5-hour runtime just to perform the brief disruption. The sit-ins have reportedly generated an estimated $3,400 in additional box office revenue so far.
However, Jennings' unusual level of familiarity with the musical soon drew additional scrutiny. Days later, his internet search history — accidentally displayed while attempting to project hymn lyrics at Sunday service — revealed repeated Amazon orders for Wicked-themed Elphaba and Glinda dolls. When questioned, Jennings insisted he was "trying to buy them all" to prevent young girls from idolizing "unnatural cross-color friendships" instead of "real dolls with more appropriate, heterosexual, and properly deferential values."
One congregant close to Jennings suggested his fury toward Wicked may have deeper roots. A former mission trip companion — who unpromptedly insisted he "never showered with Jennings under the heat of a Thai sun during their mission" — said Rick’s resentment seemed to surface around the time of an eighth-grade production of The Wizard of Oz, when classmates mocked his "overly emotional" performance as the Tin Man and gave him the enduring nickname "Crybaby Chrome."
Later that evening, Pastor Jennings was reportedly spotted sitting in his minivan in the movie theater parking lot, joyfully playing with a pair of Wicked-themed Elphaba and Glinda dolls while singing Popular. Witnesses say Jennings attempted to choreograph the dolls’ movements with surprising precision before being interrupted by a concerned parishioner who recognized him. According to police reports, Jennings panicked, drew a concealed handgun, and shot the witness before finishing the musical number. Police arrived moments later, but Jennings was reportedly too pumped about having hit the high G♯ at the end of the song to realize the seriousness of his imminent arrest. At the station, before placing his one phone call, Jennings asked the officers if they knew Cynthia Erivo’s number so he could compliment her “dynamic control during the pianissimo sections of I'm Not That Girl.”