Melania Trump Unwittingly Spends Birthday at Pope’s Funeral, Mistakes Casket for Gift
VATICAN CITY — Believing it to be the most extravagant birthday celebration of her life, First Lady Melania Trump unknowingly spent her 55th birthday at the funeral of Pope Francis this week.
According to aides, Donald Trump had forgotten his wife's birthday for the eleventh time in their relationship, hastily informing her he had arranged a “huge surprise party at the Vatican.” Melania, thrilled, assumed the thousands of attendees, lavish flower arrangements, and heavily costumed cardinals were all part of an elaborate tribute in her honor.
Throughout the service, Melania smiled, waved, and blew kisses to grieving pilgrims, pausing occasionally to admire what she described as the “beautiful party decorations” of Mary and Jesus. Witnesses said she commented that “it must have taken forever to organize all these gifts." At one point, she leaned over and tried to blow out the smoldering incense inside a ceremonial censer, mistaking it for a birthday candle, before closing her eyes and wishing for “thinner ankles, a larger yacht, and a deader husband."
Sources noted Melania appeared briefly confused during the homily delivered in Latin by Cardinal Giovanni Battista Re, asking if it was "some kind of slam poem about her." Meanwhile, Donald Trump nodded off during the sermon, a development Melania found surprising given that he “usually only falls asleep during Senate hearings and intercourse.” Just after waking up, Trump unlocked his phone to check on his portfolio, foolishly forgetting that the markets were closed on Saturdays.
Eyewitnesses observed Melania gasping with excitement when ten solemn guards carried Pope Francis’s casket toward the altar, assuming it was her birthday present. After spotting the ornate cross on the lid, she concluded it must be from luxury brand Chrome Hearts, likely a "solid gold mirror or a very heavy handbag." After several men gathered to sing in Latin over the "gift," Melania smiled politely, assuming it was a European tradition. However, when the men solemnly loaded the casket into a hearse instead of presenting it to her, she shrugged and concluded a “birthday scavenger hunt” must be underway.
Trailing the procession underground into the Vatican basilica, Melania brushed past tearful mourners, assuring them not to cry about her aging. “I'm going to keep it tight well into my eighties," she said. Upon reaching the tomb and watching her "present" lowered into the ground, Melania rushed forward and peered inside, recoiling in horror. Bursting into tears, she mistook the body for Dick Cheney, remarking that he "looked better than she remembered." After a Vatican official gently informed her it was, in fact, Pope Francis, she wiped her eyes, sighed in relief, slammed the lid shut, and asked Donald when she could enjoy her favorite birthday tradition: the orphan piñata.