GOP Adds Chappell Roan to Federal Watchlist After 3% Lesbianism Spike

WASHINGTON DC — Alarmed by a sudden 3% rise in youth lesbianism following the success of pop singer Chappell Roan, a coalition of Christian lawmakers introduced emergency legislation this week to add Roan to the federal watchlist for threats to "national heterosexual stability."

In testimony before Congress, FBI Special Agent Darren McCaffrey confirmed that analysts had been monitoring "lesbian emergence indicators" tied to Roan's growing popularity.

"We typically observe an uptick in specific Google searches such as ‘how to tell if you’re in love with your best friend’ and ‘how to make focaccia from scratch’ about 48 hours after exposure," McCaffrey explained, pointing to a large graph. "This spike here in 2017 corresponds with Kristen Stewart going blonde. This one in 2021 comes shortly after Taylor Swift’s Folklore drop. And this one here—" he gestured grimly at the chart "—this is Chappell Roan."

Christian conservatives have taken this data to indicate an impending national emergency. "Our daughters used to sing along to songs about statutory love in pickup trucks," said Representative Todd Whitmore (R-KS), wiping away tears. "Now they’re buying Doc Martens and crying in each other’s arms. This cannot stand."

Representative Karen Mayweather (R-MO) echoed the concern during an online panel titled Family Values in the Age of Chappell. "First they're ‘knee-deep in the passenger seat eating each other out’," Mayweather warned. "Next thing you know, they're adopting children and giving them hyphenated last names."

Mayweather and Whitmore have reportedly teamed up on a bill titled The Pink Pony Club Foreclosure Act, which would provide federal grants to parents seeking to neutralize Roan’s influence. The bill proposes subsidized "Straightness Support Kits" containing a single USB drive preloaded with a Shawn Mendes AI boyfriend, programmed to send daily affirmations while carefully keeping young women’s confidence at bay. As part of the legislation, Chappell Roan would also be formally added to the Department of Homeland Security’s Emerging Threats Watchlist, alongside recent additions such as Hamas and millenial voters.

At the same time, rumors about Chappell Roan concerts circulated widely among concerned parents, including reports that fans are led through a special sauna where youths can "sweat the straight out." Most laypeople simply know it as Miami. Other persistent rumors include claims that concertgoers receive complimentary tote bags filled with lavender vape pens, Birkenstocks, and crystal necklaces, as well as unverified reports that Roan’s backup dancers are "certified in emergency girl awakenings."

On the local level, parents have begun taking matters into their own hands. At Jefferson High School’s Spring Fling dance, witnesses reported that Darlene Whitaker, mother of a 17-year-old attendee, attended the event specifically to manually plug her daughter’s ears whenever a Chappell Roan song played.

According to witnesses, Whitaker stood stiffly at the edge of the gymnasium for most of the night while Blurred Lines and Talk Dirty to Me blasted from the speakers. She then sprinted into action the moment the DJ queued up Good Luck, Babe!, shoving her fingers into her daughter’s ears with the urgency of disarming a bomb.

Meanwhile, conservative men across the country have launched increasingly desperate countermeasures. In Arkansas, Subway franchise owner Randy McCallister announced the formation of Operation Win Her Back, a nationwide workshop series designed to teach straight men the "skills" necessary to compete with Chappell Roan’s raw sexual appeal.

"I’ve had it up to here with Chappell Roan stealing our women," shouted McCallister, 38, who had never lived within a thousand miles of the pop sensation.

The first session, held in a Days Inn conference room in Little Rock, featured McCallister delivering a furious sermon in front of a gender-neutral crash test dummy onto which he had affixed a blonde Party City wig "to make the demonstrations feel less weird." His audience consisted of five bewildered forty-year-old men and a fifteen-year-old Central High sophomore who had reportedly snuck in "for the memes."

Witnesses said McCallister, armed with a laminated diagram of the female reproductive system downloaded from Ask Jeeves in 1998, incorrectly identified the urethra as the clitoris and advised participants that when eating out a girl, it should be "mostly jaw."

After several minutes of confused murmuring, the fifteen-year-old reportedly stood up, politely corrected McCallister on basic anatomy, and began leading an impromptu workshop on consent, communication, and emotional intimacy. He even set up an anonymous question box, which quickly yielded submissions such as "How to tune frequency of women’s vibrating stick," a query McCallister immediately insisted he "didn’t fucking write" while slyly pulling out a pen and notebook.

By the end of the hour, the entire room had reportedly formed small breakout groups to practice active listening skills, while McCallister sat slumped in the corner, staring blankly into the crash test dummy’s lifeless eyes and softly asking if she had "really finished."