Berkeley PD Halts Montessori Program After Feelings Stick Turns Violent

BERKELEY, CA — In a bold new attempt at criminal justice reform, the Berkeley Police Department announced last month the launch of its groundbreaking Montessori-based suspect processing program, in which alleged offenders sit in a circle and pass around a "feelings stick" to share how the events of the day have made them feel.

“We’re moving away from outdated interrogation tactics like yelling, threatening, and good-cop-bad-cop routines,” said BPD Chief Allison Mendoza, gently ringing a calming Tibetan singing bowl before handing a splintering birch branch to a suspect accused of grand theft auto.

After handing the feelings stick to Robert "Billy" Murphy, 24, arrested on suspicion of grand theft auto, Mendoza turned things over to the department’s new in-house therapist, trained at the prestigious Yale University School of Quiet Talking and Nodding. Sitting cross-legged on a woven mat, the therapist murmured,

“It sounds like you’re still upset that on your 16th birthday, your dad didn’t get you a car. Instead he ran off to Atlantic City and married a Hooters waitress.”

There was a long, trembling pause. Then Murphy burst into tears, gasping out,

“She had a tramp stamp! And she never even remembered to bring me extra ranch! She was a total bitch!”

The therapist gently reminded Murphy that they were trying to avoid gendered slurs during circle time. After a brief breathing exercise, they mutually agreed to describe her as a “fuckwad.”

In addition to expanding its therapeutic staff, the department’s new approach replaces traditional holding cells with a soft-lit "peace corner," where suspects can choose from a variety of self-soothing activities, including coloring mandalas, assembling puzzles of famous abolitionists, or simply lying under a weighted blanket and reflecting on the choices that brought them there.

Officers say the new program has already yielded promising results. In one instance, a burglary suspect was asked to create a popsicle-stick diorama of the room where the break-in had allegedly occurred. Under the calming influence of patchouli oil aromatherapy, the suspect complied — crafting such an intricate and structurally sound model that officers not only charged her with burglary, but also submitted an application on her behalf to the UC Berkeley Architecture program.

"We want to set her up for the best prospects once her sentence ends in three days," said Officer Jordan Tse, proudly displaying the diorama, which included scale-model succulents and a working mini fridge.

Meanwhile, inside the newly refurbished Nelson Mandela Mindfulness Holding Cell, a triple homicide suspect spent several hours calmly coloring a mandala before presenting it to officers — a vivid but clumsily executed depiction of how he would cannibalize Seth Meyers if given a sizable dumbbell and enough barbecue sauce.

Left: Crayon drawing submitted by suspect as part of Berkeley PD's Montessori-based rehabilitation program.
Right: Saturn Devouring His Son by Francisco Goya, c. 1820.

Despite the suspect’s enthusiasm, officers privately expressed disappointment at the final product, noting that his failure to use color and shadow properly rendered the piece little more than "a derivative knockoff of Francisco Goya’s Saturn Devouring His Son."

"We really encourage creativity in the Mindfulness Cell," sighed Officer Tse. "Unfortunately, this just didn’t demonstrate the personal growth we were hoping for."

Things later took a violent turn inside the Angela Davis Peace Room when two suspects got into a heated argument over who would get the last spot on the gratitude beanbag. One suspect fatally bludgeoned the other — later identified as Daniel Reyes, 39 — with the feelings stick and a Tibetan singing bowl, an incident that, according to witnesses, was "almost soothing enough to muffle the screams of the dying father of three."

Chief Mendoza later described the killing as an unfortunate but ultimately very teachable moment, emphasizing that the goal moving forward would be to help detainees "channel their energy into creating equally high-quality Keith Haring-style crime scene tape murals — ideally without the use of deadly force."

At press time, Mendoza issued a formal statement confirming that Daniel Reyes would be cremated and his ashes planted amid daisy seeds in the department’s Garden of Remembrance, "thus forever putting him back into circulation with the earth, the sky, and the three other victims of meditation-related homicides the department has had.”

She continued, “We've learned from our earlier mistake of planting the deceased alongside foxglove, after a child fatally ingested one of the memorials. In hindsight, it was probably unwise to memorialize a serial killer who had targeted teens at Phillips Exeter Academy. But in a way, it was fitting — he decayed how they lived: killing schoolchildren."