Matt Gaetz Endorses New Bill After Negotiating Down Mail-Order Bride Tariffs
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Signaling a major legislative breakthrough, Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) announced his enthusiastic support for a sweeping new tariff bill Thursday after receiving confirmation that most mail-order bride prices would remain affordable and competitive in the global marketplace.
“I was initially concerned about how these tariffs would impact essential imports,” Gaetz said during a press conference outside the Capitol, flanked by a confused-looking Latvian woman holding a bouquet of artificial roses. “But after advocating on the House floor for ten straight hours, I can confidently say we are preserving the American Dream of getting laid by someone who doesn't speak enough English to argue.”
“America good! Matt very strong man,” the woman said in a thick accent, reading stiffly from a laminated notecard.
Gaetz quickly snapped, “Not now, baby — wait for the cue,” before turning back to reporters and continuing, unfazed.
Under the original proposal, all incoming brides were set to face a 50% import tax. However, Gaetz personally lobbied for an exemption, successfully negotiating down tariffs on women he described as “fuckably aged”—somewhere between 16 and 22. On the Senate floor, Gaetz pleaded, “These tariffs threaten the American Dream of bagging hot younger women who don't expect a conversation. If we start taxing the good ones, what’s next? Taxing smiles? Taxing hope?”
The speech reportedly included several anecdotes about women Gaetz had personally “rescued,” including Svetlana (22, no HPV), Anya (19, crate-trained), and Dasha (discounted due to not being “factory sealed”).
Several lawmakers nodded solemnly. Rep. Jim Jordan (R-OH) was seen mouthing “Amen, brother,” while Sen. Lindsey Graham (R-SC) wiped away a single tear.
Hours later, Gaetz’s impassioned testimony directly shaped the finalized tariff schedule:
5% tax for brides with good teeth, clear skin, and acceptable hip-to-waist ratios to reward excellence and promote strong traditional aesthetics.
10% tax for those with crooked smiles, acne scars, or stubborn ideas about having their own bank accounts to discourage noncompliance and visual distress.
7% surcharge if the bride has a hotter sister to account for emotional disappointment and future temptation risk.
3% discount for brides from intact, two-parent households, due to statistically lower rates of abandonment-related attitude problems.
5% rebate for brides who have undergone successful, symmetrical nose jobs as part of an effort to incentivize investments in facial upgrades.
12% emotional baggage surcharge on divorced brides to offset diminished first-time obedience potential.
8% penalty for anyone over 26, due to reduced reproductive shelf-life and increased sass.
“We should be subsidizing hotness, not mediocrity,” Gaetz said proudly, unveiling the International Marital Asset Optimization Schedule (IMAOS) and calling it “the most important pro-family legislation of our lifetime.”
As the press conference concluded, aides were reportedly trying to pry the microphone away from Gaetz, who had begun ad-libbing additional “adoptable options” by shoulder width, emotional obedience, and sandwich-making ability. Gaetz then gave a subtle nudge to the quivering Latvian woman beside him. After a brief pause, she straightened up and recited, “America good! Matt very strong man,” with the flat cadence of someone who clearly did not realize she was competing for his attention with domestic teenagers.