Local Psychic Warns Hot Clients They Will Die Unless They Date Her

CEDAR FALLS, IA — In a move that has rattled the spiritual community and at least four shirtless personal trainers, 27-year-old local psychic Amara Moonstone has reportedly begun telling her most attractive clients they are fated to die in tragic, cartoonish ways—unless they immediately start dating her.

Moonstone, who operates her solo psychic practice Astral Vibes Only out of a defunct vape shop, has recently pivoted from traditional tarot readings to what she calls “romantic emergency prophecies” tethered closely to her own availability.

“I went in to ask about my career,” said yoga instructor and certified heartthrob Kyle Branton, 27. “She stared into her crystal ball, got real quiet, and said that if we didn’t spend the weekend together in Galena, I’d be flattened by a falling anvil. I didn’t even know where Galena was—she already had the Airbnb booked.”

Friends say this new chapter began shortly after Amara’s older sister Savannah got engaged and asked her to be a bridesmaid “and maybe bring a date this time.” Witnesses say Moonstone snapped after her aunt Marlene asked, “So when’s your turn?”

Importantly, not all clients receive death warnings—only those Amara deems “viable plus-ones.” Jeremy Felder, 33, a local accountant with an unshakable sense of dread, reportedly came in fearing imminent death. Amara, clocking his receding hairline, assured him he’d be fine. Felder was struck by a semi-truck less than three minutes later in an accident Amara said would have been tragic if he was “a few inches taller and altogether a different man.”

But despite mounting skepticism, Moonstone maintains that her readings are grounded in divine truth—not desperation, thirst, or spite for Aunt Marlene.

That claim was put to the test during a reading with billionaire, underwear model, and self-proclaimed active listener Eli Sorensen. The serial entrepreneur had just secured a $30 million partnership offer for his latest venture—No Small Feat, a startup specializing in oversized footwear—and had come to Astral Vibes Only seeking divine insight on what to do next.

After drawing “The Lovers,” which she marked with a Hello Kitty sticker for easy reuse, Amara hesitated, glanced at Eli’s business card, and clearly inspired by the oversized shoe angle, pulled a second card she claimed read “Impending Bigfoot Death.” She refused to let him see it, insisting it was “too graphic” but “definitely real.”

She gravely warned that the only way to avoid being mauled by Bigfoot was to take her wine tasting at a scenic vineyard with flattering golden-hour lighting and “at least one premium Chardonnay flight.” When Eli failed to call her back, Amara reportedly tracked his jogging route via Strava, donned a Bigfoot costume, and ambushed him with a knife. Witnesses say Eli immediately began sobbing about leaving his wife Ashley behind—a green flag in Amara’s book, as he seemed to have no commitment issues.

Now, thanks to Astral Vibes Only—recently acquired by No Small Feat following a series of troubling Loch Ness Monster premonitions—Eli is reluctantly cheating on his wife and expected to accompany Amara to Savannah’s wedding in a Christian Dior suit “with a pocket square that complements her aura.” Sources confirm that each time he sobs to Amara about betraying his wife, she gently reminds him that ending their tryst would almost certainly result in him being “shredded to giblets by Bigfoot.”

She has also reportedly advised that diamond rings and abandoning “that bitch Ashley” are powerful forms of cryptid repellent.