AI Butt Scanner Slashes Mix-Ups at Corgi Fest to Record Low
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In what officials are hailing as the most successful corgi containment operation in California history, organizers of San Francisco’s annual Corgi Fest announced that this year’s event saw a record-low 2% rate of dog mixups — all thanks to a newly repurposed AI-powered butt scanner originally developed by the FBI to track international fugitives.
Held annually on Ocean Beach, Corgi Fest is a cherished San Francisco tradition in which white people and even whiter people gather to let their genetically-compressed breadloaves frolic in the surf and sniff each other’s tiny royal asses. With hundreds of nearly identical corgis stampeding the sand in matching costumes, past events have been logistical nightmares — and emotional war zones.
“In the past, you kind of just left with whatever corgi was closest to your beach blanket,” said organizer Meagan DuPres, watching a pair of stubby duplicates play in slow-motion. “It tore households apart. Kids were traumatized. Dogs were confused. One corgi forgot his name and took up jazz piano. We couldn't let this continue.”
Enter CAIS (Canine Analytic Identification System™), a California startup now licensing the FBI's butt-imaging algorithm to assign each corgi a unique analprint. Using a pre-event app, owners submit high-res images of their dog’s rear under natural light, which are then matched to a live scan at pickup.
“This technology was originally designed to identify cartel members based on gluteal sweat patterns,” said CAIS co-founder and CEO Jenna Park. “But we tweaked the model so the algorithm can now detect over 46 microvariations in corgi butt topology. It can tell the difference between two nearly identical corgis who were born in the same litter, raised on the same food, and have both been dressed as hot dogs for Halloween. Their owners can’t even tell. But the AI knows.”
The scanner, powered by a convolutional neural net named SniffrNet, also alerts staff if a dog’s butt signature doesn’t match any pre-registered corgi, flagging potential infiltrators with a red alert labeled: “NON-CORGI: INITIATE EJECTION.”
“It’s like TSA PreCheck for your dog’s ass,” added CAIS co-founder Riley Ishimoto. “Only it actually works.”
The tech has already shown promise beyond reuniting people with their rightful corgi. Festival security used it this year to identify multiple infiltrators, including a dachshund in a custom butt-padded corgi suit and a Pomeranian standing on stilts.
“The line between corgi and corgi-adjacent gets blurrier every year,” said head of security Brandon Mueller. “We’re Berghain for dog owners now. But everyone’s the piss goblin.”
Attendees described a smoother, more emotionally stable experience this year.
“I got my real dog back,” said Emily Renshaw, tearfully holding her corgi, Pickle, who was last seen in 2022 being accidentally taken by a woman in yoga pants from Marin. “No more identity crises. No more sleepless nights wondering why ‘Pickle’ only responded to the name Doug.”
Governor Gavin Newsom, long criticized for inaction on the corgi mixup epidemic, praised the tech from a stationary bike during his daily live-streamed hair shellacking.
“This tech is a gamechanger,” Newsom said. “I’ve mixed up corgis before — hell, I’ve mixed up life partners. If we’d had this level of precision back then, maybe I wouldn’t have mistaken Kimberly Guilfoyle for Laura Benanti across a dimly lit Fairmont bar. Hard to say what the scanner would’ve flagged first — the laugh, the politics, or the eventual career pivot into MAGA halftime entertainment. Either way, it would’ve saved me years.”
At press time, CAIS announced plans to expand the technology to other identity crises plaguing the state — including yoga mat mixups at Equinox, AirPod custody battles in polyamorous households, and the urgent need to verify which oat milk belongs to whom in shared fridges across the Bay Area.