Gayle King Declares Herself an Astronaut After 11-Minute Blue Origin Ride; Anderson Cooper Applies for Mars Mission After Spinning in Chair

NEW YORK, NY — CBS Mornings host Gayle King proudly declared herself an astronaut this week after surviving a grueling 11-minute suborbital journey aboard Blue Origin’s flying metal dildo, where she floated in microgravity, snapped a few selfies, and eagerly waved at what she confidently claimed was Oprah’s house.

“I can see Oprah’s house from here!” King reportedly shouted, her face pressed longingly against the window as if trying to tag @oprah from the thermosphere. Reached for comment, Oprah calmly responded, “That wasn’t even my house. That was a Marshalls.”

The mission’s six-person all-female crew was thoughtfully provided with 100 tampons by Blue Origin’s all-male ground team, “just in case one of them made the mistake of menstruation mid-flight.” Though the trip lasted less time than a Beyoncé album, engineers insisted the supplies were necessary to maintain “vaginal preparedness protocols.”

“I feel so honored to be among the greats,” King said after touchdown. “Neil Armstrong. Buzz Aldrin. Matthew McConaughey in Interstellar. We are the few. The proud. The ready for photo ops.”

Since landing, King has reportedly petitioned Congress to formally recognize her as a National Space Heroine, and submitted a request to the Smithsonian to replace Buzz Aldrin’s moon boots with the orthopedic wedges she wore on the flight.

“I think it’s only fair they put my Spanx in the Air and Space Museum,” King added. 

Not to be outdone, longtime friend and rival Anderson Cooper immediately applied to NASA’s Mars colonization program after completing what he described as a “high-velocity, self-initiated rotational simulation” — or, as others called it, spinning really fast in his office chair.

“Gayle thinks she’s bold for going to space? I’ve been to the edge of consciousness,” Cooper told reporters while visibly winded. “I spun so hard I saw God — and He was just Wolf Blitzer in a terrycloth robe.”

The rivalry escalated quickly. King attempted to book herself on a SpaceX launch before realizing it wasn’t on Expedia, while Cooper began referring to his Peloton workouts as “deep-space endurance conditioning.” CNN is reportedly in pre-production on a special titled Anderson in Orbit: One Man, One Swivel Chair, Infinite G-Force.

Meanwhile, NASA released a formal statement asking both anchors to “please chill,” clarifying, “We trained for two years to poop in a bag. You floated in a flying condom for the length of a commercial break.”

King has since updated her LinkedIn to include the title “Astronaut | Journalist | Zero-G Trailblazer | Spanx Survivor,” and was last seen autographing astronaut helmets at JFK while muttering, “Buzz who?”

In recognition of her bravery, and under the duress of being held at gunpoint by King’s publicist, the International Space Society has awarded King an honorary degree in “Cosmic Bravery and Midair Poise,” while Anderson Cooper has declared himself “First Chair Commander of the Furniture Space Force.”

Fans can now hear more about Gayle’s space journey on her new podcast: “I’m an Astronaut and You’re Poor.”