RFK Jr. Proposes New CDC Division for “Holistic Immunity,” Suggests Breast Milk Could Replace Vaccines
WASHINGTON, DC — In his latest healthcare proposal, presidential candidate Robert F. Kennedy Jr. called on the CDC to create a Division of Holistic Immunity, claiming the human body “just needs less government interference and more breast milk.”
“Breast milk is nature’s vaccine,” Kennedy told reporters, sipping a chalky white shake labeled ‘MamaFuel: Raw, Local, Unvaccinated.’ “Straight from nip to jar. Bottled at Planet Fitness by a lovely new mom I met on a treadmill. Baby was six weeks old—practically pharmaceutical grade.”
The plan, dubbed Project TittyShield, outlines a full-scale replacement of the U.S. vaccine system with “lacto-based immunity interventions.” Among the proposals: nationwide breast milk subscription boxes, government-issued Lacto-Vouchers redeemable at co-ops and hot yoga studios, chakra certification for pediatricians, and a Breast Milk Purity Index based on zodiac sign, diet, and number of home births attended.
“Vaccines are a shortcut to autism,” Kennedy said. “But you know what’s not a shortcut? Latching onto liberty. Latching onto freedom. Latching directly onto Brittany, if she doesn’t mind.”
To demonstrate the program’s feasibility, Kennedy led reporters through a CDC-adjacent warehouse he called Room 108: The Super Milkers. Inside, a rotating circle of new mothers stood pumping in sync to Enya and a live didgeridoo. Each bottle was sealed by a woman named Sage, who whispered affirmations into it before placing it in a cooler labeled “Boob-Based Medicine. Best Served Cold.”
“These women aren’t just moms,” Kennedy said. “They’re sovereign healthcare providers with mammary credentials.”
As part of the rollout, Kennedy proposed a federal subsidy program offering breast implants to low-income or under-producing mothers because, as he explained, “more boob = more juice.” He said this having concluded his formal biology education 55 years ago in Ms. Hutchinson’s 11th grade class, which he famously flunked after hunting the class gerbil and planting the carcass in Central Park.
The eighteenth most attractive Kennedy’s proposal has nonetheless gained traction among Kennedy’s base, with online forums like Titty Truthers United and Lactation Nation calling for breast milk to be classified as an essential medicine. Some influencers have already begun bottling their own, with tags like “grass-fed,” “free-range,” and “GMO-boyfriend-free.”
Kennedy remains unfazed by critics. “I haven’t had a flu shot in 20 years,” he told the press during his weekly blood transfusion from a newly endangered species.
Support from high-profile Republicans is growing. The movement reached new heights this week when Sarah Palin announced the release of her new cookbook, “Moose Milk & Mama Juice: Heartland Recipes for a Holistic America.” The book features over 100 breast milk–based dishes—including Freedom Flan and Lactation Lasagna—in what experts are calling “a shocking display of literacy.”