Startup Creates App That Translates Boyfriend “K” Texts Into Full Emotional Responses
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In a major breakthrough for emotionally neglected girlfriends everywhere, Silicon Valley startup Emoticonic™ has launched a new app that translates boyfriend “K” texts into full emotional responses—providing clarity, closure, and in some cases, genuine affection.
“Our proprietary algorithm uses natural language processing, attachment theory, and Reddit posts from r/AskMen to decode what your emotionally stunted partner meant to say,” explained founder Clara DeLune, who created the app after her boyfriend replied “K” to her seven-paragraph message about emotional distance. “Turns out, he wasn’t mad—just emotionally constipated and halfway through a 9-hour Elden Ring session.”
The app’s core function interprets emotionally barren texts and replaces them with the rich inner monologue your boyfriend would have if he had ever completed a therapy intake form.
When asked for a demo, DeLune opened a sample message:
Text: “Lol ok”
Translation: “I’m terrified this is about to become a 'thing' and I don’t have the tools to regulate my nervous system, so I’m going to pretend I’m chill even though I just bit off a cuticle.”
Early users have reported dramatic results.
“I always thought my boyfriend was a cold, emotionally vacant husk of a man,” said beta tester Kayla Morrison, 24. “But then Emoticonic translated his ‘K’ into a 600-word apology about how his fear of conflict stems from his parents’ divorce. It almost made me consider breaking things off with my sugar daddy.”
Other Emoticonic™ Features Include:
Mood Predictor™
Uses text patterns, response delays, and his Spotify history to determine whether he's mad, tired, high, or just being a man.Emotional ROI Calculator
Predicts how much of your emotional labor will be reciprocated. (Usually 11–37%.)Read Receipt Reinterpretation
Converts “Read at 2:07 PM” with no reply into: “He saw it. He panicked. He paced. He drafted a response. He deleted it. He took a nap.”Auto-Reply Enhancer
Upgrades his “cool” to:“That’s really amazing and I’m proud of you even if I don’t always know how to say it.”
Notification Translator
Detects if you're on Do Not Disturb and translates it to:“I love you, I swear, but I am currently watching a 3-hour YouTube essay on why Marvel is failing.”
Gaming Mode
Live-translates grunts and eye contact during Fortnite into loving affirmations.Phone Down Feature
If he doesn’t reply for 8+ hours, the app automatically texts his mom:“Your son is spiraling. Please advise.”
Insta-Like Interceptor
Warns him when he's about to like a hot girl's Instagram pic with a pop-up that reads:“She’s in Cabo in a thong. Is that really the hill you want to die on?”
Dick Pic Detector
Intercepts unsolicited photos with a gentle prompt:
“Wait—did you ask her about her day yet?”
The startup has already raised $4.2 million in pre-seed funding, primarily from female VCs who are “so fucking tired.” But not everyone is thrilled. The National Coalition of Boyfriends (who could seem to organize this but not a nice weekend getaway for their anniversary) has issued a cease-and-desist, claiming the app is “an invasion of the sacred space between a man and his inability to articulate basic human needs.”
Still, DeLune is undeterred.
“The future of relationships is emotional transparency,” she said, “or at the very least, knowing that ‘K’ doesn’t always mean ‘I hate you.’ Sometimes it just means he dropped his phone on his nipple and gave up.”
Emoticonic™: Because he meant more—he just didn’t text it. (Probably)